Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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