I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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