The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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