Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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