i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
