I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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