Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
