I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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