He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
