I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
