come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
