I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
