you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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