And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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