Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
