i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
