i just sent this text using only my big toe
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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