I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
