Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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