i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
