My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
