I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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