I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to calm my uterus...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
