I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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