Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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