yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
