I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
