i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
