I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
