my shit smells like andre
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
