Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
