Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
