I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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