i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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