She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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