Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
