a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
