I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
