I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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