Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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