Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
