dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
