We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
