Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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