dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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