I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
