I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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