I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
