it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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