Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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